7 Cleaning Tips That Will Make Your Home Look Like New

7 Cleaning Tips That Will Make Your Home Look Like New

My last post was a little heavy, I know. It was something I’ve been wanted to put out there for a while now. I feel like if sharing my story helps one mama coup with her own miscarriage then I’ve done my job. To bring things back to a lighter note I’ve put together a list of my favorite “tips” to giving your home that deep clean you and it deserve.

My home is my world now. My home is also a mess, that mess reflects negatively on me as a mama. Or so I’ve been told by magazines, HGTV and my dad who thinks he is hilarious. After we bought our home I realized I was tricked, tricked by who you may be wondering? Well, I’ll tell you, SOCIETY. Society tricked me into believing that we NEEDED a home. That renting just wasn’t good enough (LIES) And now that I’m here it apparently has to be cleaned, like all the darn time or…and this is another lie, one told by my dad, who again thinks he is funny. OR they, I don’t exactly know who “they” are, but “they”  will call child protective services on me. (Isn’t my dad a peach??)

So I have to get my act together and deep cleaning my home for the 4th time this month. Below I have given my helpful tips on turning your trash heap of a home into that magical castle of lost hopes and travel dreams that will never happen because you have to spend money on cleaning products.

  1. Drink a bottle of wine every night – Personally I’ll be going for a nice red because of the cold weather. Now, the mess isn’t that problem it is how you feel about the mess that’s the problem. So drink up. It won’t be clean when you wake up the next morning but for a few blissful hours that night you’ll only see it sparkle. Cheers!
  2. Separate everything into three piles, keep, get rid of and store – light your keep pile on fire, get a shredder (check Staples) and shred the store pile. Call the charity of your choosing to come pick up your donate pile.
  3. Leave for a week –  Don’t tell you husband and kids where you are going just leave. They will think you’ve died and get rid of your stuff for you so you don’t have to do it!
  4. Call Hazmat or the CDC – Tell them you have a chemical spill or the ebola virus in your home. They’ll come do it for you.
  5. Donate all of your possessions – Including the kids. Of course you’ll find a nice family for them, but if that want it all they have to pay a small price… of raising your children.
  6. Sell your husband – I know, I know you’ll miss him but trust me it will be a lot easier with the man-child somewhere else.
  7. Move – Just pack up the family and move. Change your social security number, name and get a new bank account. Move to Canada, Canadians seem nice.

There you have it, if you follow my tips you too can have a home that looks like NEW, or if you follow number 7 you’ll literally have a new home but still NEW. ?

 Happy Wednesday everyone!


***This post was written with humor/satire please do not burn anything or sell your children***

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